Trying to Forget
by Saria118
Summary: In the wake of August message Neal wonders whether he should move on or not. (a past fic trying to explain why Neal may have started dating Tamara originally posted on my tumblr account)


Trying to Forget

A story for Neal cause he needs more love. This is supposed to be explaining why he was with Tamara. This is my headcannon until the writers finally give him his own ep. which i doubt cause their mostly idiots

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_What am I doing?_ he asks himself as he opens the door to his apartment for a woman he only just met. "Sorry its a bit of a mess…." None of this had been his intention. "Hey don't worry anything is better than the downpour outside." She tells him trying to pry her wet coat off. it was just coffee, she was just returning his scarf. "yeah sorry coffee was kind of a bust." He laughed trying to play it off, to pretend he was ok with all this. Honestly he was still trying to process what August had told him. Still trying to decide to if its better to forget or hope.

"Oh wow I haven't seen one of these in years." She picks up the dream catcher, Emma's dream catcher and he panics just a little at her innocent action. "That's um that's not exactly mine so…" Carefully like hes holding the most precious object in the world as he takes it out of her grasp. To him though this trinket of feathers and string may as well be. It's all he has left of her. "Oh…Now I get what your deal is..figures." Only when she speaks does he even remember there was another person in the room. She must see the confusion on his face because she shakes her head and continues. "No no it was stupid of me not realize the first nice guy I meet in New York is taken and here I was…."

Everything suddenly clicks for him about this night. Why she laughed so much, why she said she'd wait for a cab here. Tamara is the exact opposite of Emma, he'd gotten so use to reading the subtleties seeing someone be open was strange. "No its not like that. I don't know what it is." And he really doesn't. Ten years he was left trying to decide whether or not to see her. Ten years of trying to decide if he should give up on her. Ten years of being alone with memories and regret. "I haven't really dated for…a long time so I…" He doesn't know what to say or even how to explain, nor does he really want to. She seems to understand though. "Well if you feel like…dating again you have my number. But while I wait for a cab why don't we talk?"

And that's what they do for the twenty minutes it takes. She speaks freely and open everything is light and he finds himself having fun for the first time in ten years. Tamara is so very unlike Emma and he's not sure if that's god or bad. But when she says her good-byes he finds the doubt and the dark creeping back. Not five minutes later alone in his apartment he googles Storybrooke, Maine. Five hours later he still can't find the place and he's asleep in front of his laptop.

It's almost chore to get out for work the next day but somehow he does, just like every other day. In the numbness of his thoughts something manages to catch his eye causing him to stop dead in his tracks. A store mannequin with blond hair wears a red leather jacket over a simple black dress. Memories can't help but some back.

_"Woah look at that!" She pulls him along the busy street, but they don't care other people just fade to the back for them when they get to be like this. "Talk about gaudy I mean really a jacket like that you're just asking to get mugged." She laughs that big bright laugh that over takes her whole face as she looks through the shops window. But he can see through her. "You really like it don't you?" When she's like this he can't stop himself from smiling along with her. "That obvious huh?" Maybe only to him, but he holds her hand tighter. "You'd look good in that, it's your birthday ain't it? Let me get it for you." He means it, he's never been more honest in this world then when he's with her. She scoffs at him though shaking her head. "No way that place is crazy expensive and I'm not about to get caught over clothes." She's right and he knows it, place like this must have security everywhere. Doesn't stop him from still thinking he could do it if it means she can stay looking this happy. Her hand gives his a squeeze pulling him closer so she look up at him with those perfect blue eyes. "Besides I already have a birthday present." He can't stop himself from kissing the best thing that ever came into his life, rest of the world be damned._

Her birthday was a week ago he knows that, he always remembers. Some years are worse than others. One year he hired a detective to find her got her number and everything. Might as well have flushed his money down the toilet for all the good it did. In the end it would seem he really was his fathers son, too afraid to even try.

She'd look good in this jacket too he knew, she always looked good in red, and this time he could even buy it for her. Not that it mattered. The Tallahassee dream was gone now, she probably wouldn't want anything to do with him anymore. But here he was seeing her in every store window, in every day dream and thought before bed. The only time his mind wasn't plagued by thoughts of her was last night.

_This curse will be her new start,_ he thought, _she always wanted to know her parents, why should I get in the way of that?_ He digs his phone out to find he has been standing here for nearly fifteen minutes, he's honestly surprised no one called the cops. With a sure hand he dials the number.

"Hey Tamara it's Neal." He speaks calmly as though its all fine as though what brought him ro leave this message doesn't crush his heart. "I know things were…weird last night but let me make up, I'd like to see you again." This is what he says but not what he means as his mind cries out,_I can't do this anymore. Help me move on, help me out of the memories, help me forget her._


End file.
